Carrying More Trust: Saying Goodbye to Bali
– First of all, a little thank you to everyone who reached out to me after my last blog post: I was truly touched by all the kind words. It feels good to know that I am not alone with these thoughts. It was important to me to share such a personal entry, because life is not always polished and easy. And that is completely normal and absolutely okay. –
Bali is a place of many contrasts for me. On one hand, it is deeply spiritual and connected to nature – on the other hand, trash is simply thrown into rivers or burned in front of people’s homes. There is the very simple lifestyle of the Balinese, and then there are the highly luxurious hotels and resorts created for us tourists. The authentic, real Bali compared to the adapted Western lifestyle. The things people choose to look at – and the things they deliberately look away from.
My time in Bali has once again uncovered many things for me and shown me a lot very clearly: how I think about myself, what I have defined myself through until now, and my patterns. How deeply I was stuck in the mode of simply “functioning”.
Here, between yoga training, diving, hiking, cities, rice fields, rain, sunshine, retreat, and encounters, I realized that for a long time I defined myself through what I achieved, what I worked on, or what I owned. And yes, even during my time here in Bali, I caught myself falling back into old patterns and trying to live up to them.
But I also notice a huge step forward: I recognize it more and more quickly. I can shift into an observer’s perspective, or even simply smile at myself and keep moving forward.
I am leaving Bali with two certificates in my luggage. I can now teach yoga and dive down to a depth of 20 meters with a dive buddy. And then there are all the things that cannot be measured – everything I have collected during the almost two months I spent here. The wonderful encounters, inspiring conversations, new perspectives, all the delicious food, the countless breathtaking views, and the insights I gained about myself. I have heard so many fascinating stories from other travelers that continue to inspire and captivate me. In those moments, I can literally feel something inside me tightening and a tingling sensation spreading through my body. It is not a negative feeling; it is more of a “Wow, it is possible – I can do this too.” This tingling is not a feeling of lack – it is a reminder that there is still so much possible for me. My usual thought – “Wow, I’m already 32, I don’t have a home, I don’t have a job, I don’t know where I want to go, and I have no idea what I want my life journey to look like” – is becoming less and less frightening. Instead, the excitement for the unknown is growing stronger. I am learning to trust more and more, and the quiet whisper inside me – “A path will open up for me. I don’t need to worry about the how and all the details” – is becoming louder and louder. I am also realizing more clearly that my worst-case scenario is truly not the worst thing that could happen. It would be returning to Germany, finding a job, reorganizing my life, and finding a new direction. From my current perspective, nothing worse could really happen. However, one thing has become very clear to me: I do not want to return to the place where I was stuck for so long. A system that I never truly fit into and where I slowly lost myself. I no longer want to be part of a system that has felt toxic to me and like a constant struggle. I no longer want to fight for my right to exist, bend myself into shapes, or simply adapt and comply. I want to be myself and be able to show who I truly am. I no longer want to adjust myself because someone else wants me to be a certain way. I no longer want to fulfill a quota. I no longer want to be part of an environment that defines people by performance and status, where there is little room for empathy and authenticity. I no longer want to function in systems that cost me my sense of aliveness. I feel more and more clearly that my path cannot go against who I truly am – no matter how secure or respected it may appear from the outside.
I do not want to return to this old version of myself – a version that became completely lost through constant adaptation and eventually ended up being caught and supported in a psychosomatic acute care clinic.
But back to my time here in Bali (this entry is not meant to be as negative this time): As mentioned above, I am also leaving Bali with a diving certificate. Diving opens up a completely new and different world. It is an entirely new physical experience for me. Being surrounded by silence, my own thoughts, and my dive instructor. My intuition (yes – I listened to it and paid attention to it) led me to a wonderful dive center with an amazing instructor. For me, the second dive was particularly impressive. It took place at a Japanese shipwreck from World War II, surrounded by beautiful corals, colorful fish, and the vast open ocean. It was so overwhelming and impressive that I experienced a small panic attack underwater. My mind simply went into overdrive. Images kept popping into my head of everything that could possibly go wrong. Fear of the endless, vast ocean and the depth. Fear of running out of air. Fear of water getting into my mask and therefore into my nose. On top of that, my left ear simply refused to cooperate during the dive and would not equalize properly. All I wanted was to get back to the surface – and as quickly as possible – which is not that simple while diving because of the pressure differences. But somehow my dive instructor managed to handle the situation underwater, without being able to speak and while seeing my absolute panic in my eyes. Spoiler: Everything turned out fine, and afterwards I went diving again, with a rest day in between. My dive instructor truly saw me and took me seriously, and he managed to make me trust him. He was so present that he was able to communicate with complete confidence that he had everything under control and that I was safe. Despite this uncomfortable moment underwater, I decided to continue and complete my diving certification. My final dive was once again at the shipwreck. And I had so much trust in my dive instructor and in myself that it became one of the most beautiful dives (even though I had many doubts beforehand, my instructor believed in me, which gave me a lot of strength). The experience was incredibly meaningful for me – having someone believe in me, and then learning to believe in myself as well. I was rewarded with a huge amount of courage and self-confidence. It truly is an incredible experience to be surrounded by silence, listening only to your own breathing and your own thoughts. For me, diving was and still is very challenging: calming my mind, knowing that I have enough air even when breathing through my mouth, and staying constantly present and truly in the moment. The life story of my dive instructor deeply inspired me and awakened this feeling inside me: I want this for my own life too. He proved that it is possible – and therefore it is possible for me as well.
And what else did I do during my time here? I’ll try to give a small overview of my time in Bali. I saw countless beautiful rice fields and ate several kilograms of rice. I perfected my way of eating with a spoon and fork. Eating rice and fish with my hands also works now. What I still haven’t mastered, though, is the spiciness – my mouth always feels like it’s on fire and turns bright red. The Balinese people love to smile about that. My stomach handled the two months extremely well; no Bali Belly or anything similar visited me, which I am very grateful for. I tried countless new fruits and especially discovered my love for dragon fruit (which has changed my body’s color several times). I used around 150 ml of sunscreen during this time and only got a small sunburn on my back once. The constant sweating combined with sunscreen creates a pretty unpleasant slippery film, but taking a shower does not really help that much. I also got reacquainted with Asian toilets. Going to the bathroom here can always come with surprises and be a little challenging. The traffic continues to amaze me. Rules don’t really seem to exist, but somehow it works (most of the time) and nobody gets upset. The honking is simply a signal that someone is about to overtake. Whenever I was walking somewhere, it didn’t take long before someone offered me a ride. But a friendly “no” was always accepted, usually accompanied by an amused head shake that someone would voluntarily walk in this heat. I spent several hours in the gym and in CrossFit classes. I cooled down in ice baths. I saw monkeys, geckos of all sizes, baby sharks, seahorses, colorful fish, crabs, turtles, snakes, giant snails, and many street dogs. One of those dogs also found my calf particularly delicious to bite. I met a few familiar faces, which made me very happy. It was really good for me to exchange thoughts and experiences with people I already knew. I also had many fascinating conversations with other travelers – about traveling, the motivation behind traveling, different perceptions of women across cultures, and different ways of living. I also had very educational and interesting conversations with locals. This time I am not leaving with a scar, but instead with a new tattoo, some new clothes, and various little things. I treated myself to massages and beauty time. And now I am a few thousand euros lighter, but thousands of moments richer.
And in a few days, it will be time for me to change locations – or rather, change continents. Africa is calling. It will be my first time on this continent. Oh, I am so excited and full of anticipation for what awaits me there. I am ready for new adventures, a new rhythm of life, a new climate, and a new culture. I am truly grateful for all the moments and encounters I was able to experience here in Bali. I am moving forward, not with a finished plan, but with more trust in myself. Maybe I still don’t know exactly where my path will lead me – but I am getting a clearer sense of how I want it to feel.
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